Making the Uncomfortable, Comfortable: Grief and Human Connection

By: Bevin Baskin

(April 2024) - I was a sophomore in college celebrating a 100 on an exam when I got the phone call. Dropping everything but my phone and a toothbrush, I hopped on the next flight across the country. My sister was on life support at 30-years-old. There was nothing I could do but try to make it in time to say goodbye.

There is no guidebook on how to handle death. There is no warning nor instructions. It isn’t acceptable to bring it up when hanging out with people, but lashing out due to keeping it in is seen as even worse.

Love and grief- the two most powerful human emotions. How is it so easy to speak about love, but death is considered one of the hardest things to talk about? It is considered “taboo” for many yet should be one of the things humans feel most comfortable speaking with each other about. Sharing stories about death in a casual format is one way we can begin elevating the human mind.

Kelly Nguyen

Jaqueline Martinez, a 19-year-old college student woke up with a pit in her stomach. “I felt how I feel when I’m about to go into a depressive episode, but I didn’t think much of it,” Martinez says. A wave of extreme anguish rushed over her, and she couldn’t figure out why.

Two hours later, she gets a call that sends her to her knees. Her friend, 22-year-old Kelly Nguyen had died in a tragic car accident.

Just six months before, Martinez was at her baby shower, celebrating the gift of life.

Going into a deep depression, Martinez had just begun her sophomore year of college and had to push through and focus on her education. Martinez says the only thing that helped her was “letting myself cry and getting out of the dorm, whether to just feel sunlight or go see my friends.”

Martinez, like many others who are grieving, was expected to carry on and complete her assignments. Expected to not break down in the middle of class when she remembered what had happened. Expected to put on a smile and manage her responsibilities without “complaining”.

Jaqueline Martinez (left) and Kelly Nguyen (right)

at her baby shower, six months before her death.

Nguyen’s cause of death is far too common. Car wrecks are the cause of so many deaths, but so many car-related fatalities are preventable.

The wreck occurred in Houston, Texas, the city with the most traffic fatalities in the state. According to the Texas Department of Transportation, over 67,000 accidents are reported per year in Houston as of 2022. With the numbers for 2023 not yet released, it is projected to be much larger than earlier years.

Jazzáe Hayes

Liia Harmon, mother of Jazzáe Hayes, was in a virtual meeting when she received a call from an unknown number. Forgetting to turn her computer camera off, her coworkers watched her scream and fall to the floor. Harmon ran into the hallway looking for her other two daughters. They sat on the floor together, with the hospital holding the phone up to Hayes’ ear as her family members sang to her and said their goodbyes.

Jazzáe Hayes, 29-year-old mother, had passed away due to liver failure from ethanol exposure. After receiving the call about the official cause of death, Harmon says her first thought was "What do I do with this information to save others?”

She has since used this tragedy to raise awareness of young people’s binge-drinking habits. Almost 20% of young adults form binge-drinking habits in their 20s. This alcohol abuse killed 178,000 Americans in 2021 according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

“Not that she (Jazzáe) would’ve listened, but even if it changed something slightly,” Harmon says. “This is why awareness is important. These things are preventable.”

Liia Harmon (right) and Jazzáe Hayes (left) in 1997. Harmon’s

favorite picture with her daughter.

Bobby Ziegler

Jessie Lawson, mother of three, was forced to hold herself together after her partner passed away in 2022. Lawson wanted nothing more than to take her time and grieve, but she was working full-time, in college full-time, and had three children to care for.

“I had a family to take care of that could not be expected to handle a desperately grieving woman,” she said. “I do everything in my power to stay occupied at all times- because if I don’t, it eats me.”

The impact of death is something only few understand. You are expected to jump back into reality and go about your routine as if nothing has happened. You have grades to maintain, people to support, money to make and a life to live.

Lawson struggled with this the most and decided she “might as well put time to use and try to make some sort of improvement in the world.” She is now volunteering with a grief support group to help others heal their death-related traumas.

The National Library of Medicine’s research revealed that adults who have to parent while grieving are at exceptionally higher rates of depression. Furthermore, the development of psychological disorders in their children is far higher due to many factors.

Lawson worries strongly about her children and their ability to process seeing their mother in this state. “I don’t think it has caused any permanent damage to my girls,” she says. “I pray my grieving has been hidden from them.”

Ziegler’s death was caused by overall substance abuse. Though there may not be an overpowering addiction, we can't always be aware of the underlying conditions that may be weakening our organs. Lawson found herself battling the grief by turning to alcohol before realizing she was doing exactly what killed her partner in the first place.

What are we left with?

Whether one is six or 60, losing a loved one can increase the risk of their own death. The National Library of Medicine states that not knowing how to process grief causes substance reliance, depression and suicide, and heart failure- all killers in themselves.

Bereavement responses can easily become something that causes our own death. Not knowing how to properly respond to death is dangerous. The inability to process grief is a cause of the topic being considered taboo.

Not allowing vulnerable, raw conversations makes the human mind ignorant of the true gravity of its importance. Making these conversations normal can contribute to preventing improper grief-processing responses.

One thing these stories have in common is that they could have been prevented. Alcohol and substance abuse-related deaths are not new. Car wrecks are not new. Those who go through these “preventable” types of death tend to focus their time on raising awareness to prevent it from striking others.

As Harmon says, "even if it changes something slightly."

We may not want to have these hard conversations, but we certainly need to. Opening raw, authentic feelings with each other is what prevents death. Feeling each other’s pain creates a human connection- a connection that you cannot ignore- unlike how easy it is to ignore someone telling you what NOT to do.

Hearing stories such as these are rough and painful, but necessary. They are not supposed to be easy to read or talk about. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be made easier. Sharing these stories and stories of others is the first step to breaking the stigma around talking about death.

Once the stigma is broken, we can use grief as the strongest form of human connection. Elevating ourselves to using human connection as the strongest form of death prevention is possible. All we have to do is make the uncomfortable, comfortable.